Who am I? I have been working very hard for almost 3 years to heal my trauma, work on my mental health, find out who I am and what I want most out of this life. Like many my journey began with prescription medicine numbing and masking my feelings of anxiety and depression along with therapy. Now don’t get me wrong I’m not saying these things don’t work but I am saying there is another path. A path that has taken me on this ride to who I am now, a ride that has given back my hunger for life, one that peeled back so many layers and helped heal me mind, body and spirit.
8 years ago, I was in my first ever rental with a belt from my dressing gown in my wardrobe contemplating suicide. It was late at night wet and cold, my 3month old son was asleep in his cot, my partner of 3 years had just left once again, choosing his addiction. I sat alone in my wardrobe broken. A million negative thoughts running through my mind I couldn’t shut off. My family had cut all communication because I had taken him back once again not understanding the power a domestic abusive partner can have over someone. I was suffering from undiagnosed post-natal depression and severe anxiety. All this at the age of 23. How had I got here? Me, this strong girl who had always been the tough one, the successful one, at the age of 20 I ran the highest earning store for a retailer, my life was great… Right!? Or had I just suppressed all my trauma and now it was finally coming back to the surface?
Writing this I still cry remembering how it felt that night, the pain, the loneliness and complete despair in the depth of depression, the feeling that nothing will ever get better and this was it, this was all that life had for me. I had been abandoned by everyone that I had ever loved. Within seconds of making a decision that would end with me no longer being here, I heard my son crying from his bedroom and it switched my train of thought, I couldn’t leave him alone here with no one, like everyone had done to me. If it wasn’t for my son waking up in that very moment, I still believe I would have ended my life that very night.
Over the next 8 years I continued to battle with my depression and anxiety never being formally diagnosed given treatment or support, my family would say I had ADD or bipolar and my partner would tell me I was emotional and crazy. I was in a volatile relationship that was emotionally, physically and financially abusive. The lifestyle he was leading brought along so much danger that had me constantly on edge. Between my partner and my family I was on this rollercoaster of abandonment wondering with every decision I made would they abandon me. One minute they would be in my life and the next minute he would be off on a drug/crime bender not answering calls for days sometimes weeks, my family was the same I could never meet anyone’s expectations (this was a struggle I faced with my family my entire life), if I left him I would have my family back but with conditions and even then it wasn’t a healthy environment for me to be in. This continued on till our 10year relationship finally ended nearly 3 years ago, it was a constant battle between a toxic relationship and a toxic family.
It wasn’t until 5 years ago after the sudden loss of my mother when i was 3 months pregnant with my daughter Eden, I was finally diagnosed and treated for my mental illness. I was diagnosed with pre-natal depression, which was treated prescription medicine followed by therapy fortnightly. I found the therapy helped me to offload any over thinking and gave me an outlet to vent frustrations but didn’t actually get to the root of any of my trauma from my childhood and relationship. Zoloft (prescription drug) just masked my feelings and in my experience helped me tolerate my partners abuse. I remember one night after we had split again after finding out he was using ice again and cheating with multiple sex workers, I was 9 months pregnant now and he had turned up to my house once again late at night crying, telling me he was on the run from the police and he was going to jail. I had no reaction and he yelled ‘’do you even care?’’ I had no feelings no reaction. I wasn’t sad or happy I was just blah. I felt dead inside completely emotionless. When I gave birth, I decided I didn’t want to be medicated, I wanted to feel again.
For the following year and a half my depression and anxiety was back and I pushed any healing or growth aside as I now was in and out of survival mode. Once again, I had been completely manipulated once again into thinking any evidence of cheating was a lie or miss read and any possibility of future relapse was squashed. We had been on and off together for 10 years, in this time he had been in and out of prison, he became more and more violent and aggressive causing child protection to permanently remove my children and I from our rental. I was set in survival mode. Surviving for these kids was all I knew.
After being put into protective housing my children and I began to relax a little, we felt safe. He didn’t know where we lived. We had a safety plan permanently in place. I was supported by an amazing support service Wayss which gave us access to food banks and clothing helping us get back on our feet financially. Through ways I was connected with a counselor not only for me but for my son Noah. By my 10th session I had unblocked a lot of traumatic memories from my childhood, but still wasn’t given any tools that would help me heal or assist with the lack of sleep.
It wasn't until i took the holistic approach to healing and health till my life started to take a turn for the better. This is where my journey and passion for healing and self-growth begun. I dove deep into my trauma and learnt how to self-calm, meditate, sleep techniques, Reiki, turned off my flight or fight calming my nervous system. My passion for holistic healing led me to study a diploma in nutrition.
Before taking the step to heal mind, body and spirit, I walked through my entire life as a complete impostor. I never knew who I was therefore my personality would change with each environment depending on who I was with. I always adapted to what I thought they wanted me to be, forever changing who I was but never really knowing who I was at the core. Over the past years I have been re introduced to myself and learned to love me entirely. That in itself is special. People go their entire lives never knowing what it feels like to love themselves. Self-love is your first love and until you truly love and celebrate yourself you cannot take pleasure in life the way you should. This is not something you want to go a life time never experiencing.
My goal is to guide clients to the life they deserve. Or maybe your journey isn’t so much about becoming anything, maybe it’s about un-becoming everything that isn’t really you, so you can be who you were meant to be in the first place. Are you ready to surrender and take the journey you have been waiting your entire life for?